Please Hear Me

Please Hear Me

09/09/08

in response to all who I am sure to disappoint, but who continue to try and prove me wrong.

"We" could never happen 'cause

I'm SO MUCH NOT your taste

If you ever wanted to

I'd quickly be replaced

Not because I think I'm not

Quite good enough for you

Your whole life would have to change

Impossible to do...eh...

Nothing is impossible

If you want it bad enough

You've earned your way, to go, to play

With me it'd be SO tough

But something pulls us closer to

A place I do no know

We want to go together yet

I'm SO afraid to show

Show up and meet you at the start

You say you'll help me run

And climb, and leap, and jump, and bound

You say it will be fun

What you don't know is I've done those things

All through my life

JUST to survive! I'm tired now

Go find another wife

I KNOW you think it pessimist

It's real as real can be

I WANT those things, 'cause I want you

I have NO energy.

I cannot just "invent the will"

If I would "just try hard"

You'd soon come home to find that I

Was buried in your yard

"She couldn't do all that he wanted"

Written on the stone

So save yourself the trouble PLEASE

Leave "loving me" alone.

This piece of writing was inspired out of the angst and frustration for those who think they can change me in certain ways. They do not know all the information, and even if they do, they do not understand it. I know the areas where I can do more, be better, and where I can take a risk. My WHOLE LIFE is a risk. That is nonnegotiable, it is IS a risk. Luckily I am one of those who IS a risk taker, but most of the time I know when NOT to jump off a building. There are a few people in my life who have an understanding of what it is like to be me. Not because they have the same type of life that I do, but because they have lived with me for long enough, and gone through enough garbage WITH ME that they respect my limits. I thank them for that.

This is all in relation TO relationships. No one is going to fix me. No one is going to solve this brokenness. It's just not going to happen. I appreciate those people who know me, who know my strengths, and weaknesses, and downfalls, and shortcomings, and choose to love me in spite of all of them. I love them for providing me that allowance. I am not saying that I know everything, or that I refuse to try new things, or different things....not at all, I just know that there are certain things that will NEVER change. Certain risks I can NEVER take, and certain paths that I will NEVER go down for "the fun of it". Life experience has taught me a lot about what happens when I ignore those instinctual signals....that little "I don't think that's a good idea" prompting. I am SURE I will continue to make mistakes, mess up, and pay for my mess ups.

I am SURE there is still plenty of room for me to take a risk, try something new, chance my benefit of doubt. I just feel that I will truly not be "good enough" for some people. Some men. And that is O.K. It really is. This is not a dig on my own self esteem, self worth, or self confidence. That is not it at all. I am just saying that right now...I know my limits, and for the people (men) who think they can "help me" extend those limits before I am ready for it....it is simple, I WILL STOP, and let you, and if I must, MAKE you....walk away. Just some thoughts....