What is going on lately....

There is a lot to be said, but then there's not a lot to be said....lemme esplain...ahem...
Every day is a blessing and a burden. At least SOME of you have to be able to relate to that. Some days are more difficult than other days, but ya do 'em...cuz ya kind of have to right? Sure.
I know I don't actually HAVE to get up and go to work on the days I am suppose to work, but I do. Why do I do it? Well for 1) I feel like it is my duty to pay my debt to society...no not in the prison sense of the word. I think of it more like there have been countless people who have played a part (if only just a small part...a bit part if you will) in keeping me alive, and/or making my life easier to live. Trust me, from where I am sitting, a LOT of work has gone into keeping this old battle axe around! So I feel it is not only my civic duty, but also my moral duty to give back in some place close (even if it is in the smallest way) to the same services and kindnesses that were afforded to me when I couldn't do very much for myself. This...is part of the reason I do the job I do, and I love it. It already saddens me to think of the day when I will no longer be able to do those things to help someone else as I have been able to do for so many years.
That being said, I have to tell you...anyone who might be reading this....it may be just me...who knows....about my life the past month and maybe a little bit more. I had a wonderful visit with my Pulmonologist as I stated earlier and things seem to be moving along well until recently. I think I am getting a bit of a chest cold. With me...a chest cold means...."Lianna, spit in a cup, let us analyze it, and recommend a solution." LOL I mean it's not funny, but it's funny ya know...? I have had a great deal of weakness and fatigue in the past few weeks. Last week from Saturday night until Wednesday morning, it would be easier to count the minutes I was awake versus the hours I slept. I felt like I was in a coma for 4 days, and the weirdest part is after the 4 days, I still didn't feel rested! What a bummer huh? Is that what a dirt nap (when I finally get to take one of those) is gonna feel like??? LOL My whole body was weak. I drank water, and ate very little simply because I just couldn't make it happen! I knew that I needed to get up and go to work come Wednesday morning...if nothing but to just snap myself out of this trance of everlasting drowsiness I was in! I would almost like to say that it was drug induced, but there was absolutely NO scandalous reportings to be had!
I NEED my work. I NEED it to make me feel like I am worth something, like I am part of something outside of myself and my own problems. I have said to many people that there are days when I simply just piss myself off, and I need to get away from all things me for a while. Call it depression, call selfishness, call it aggitated anxiety...I just have to get away. I am thankful to find that "away from me" comfort zone with the work that I can do.
Another comfort zone that takes me either away from myself or toward a happier time in some part of time is when I can visit with the family. I hope my nieces and nephews will always know that their Aunt "Nan" "Lana", and "Lianna" Loves them SO VERY MUCH!! I hope they always know that they are always on my mind and in my heart even if I don't have the social, physical, and emotional energies that I WISH I had, and that I HOPE to have again someday soon. The very same goes for my brothers, my sisters, my sisters-in-law, my brother-in-law. I hope you know that I Love each and every one of you for who you are to me. For what you've done for me. Obviously last but NEVER EVER EVER Least our dear sweet Mother. I Love you for the sacrafices you have made, and the prayers you have offered in my behalf. No one will ever know exactly what you have done for me, for MY life, even at the expense of your own. When you have been there for me when you could have been somewhere else. I am thankful for the GOOD GOOD man you have married in Jim. I am SO happy and so much more at peace knowing that YOU Mom are loved and appreciated for the Darling sweetheart of a woman you have always been. No matter what. YOU were the Mom that was THERE during all of the pain-staking procedures when I had to hold still even though it hurt, and I knew I could because you were at the foot of the bed just holding my feet. I think I was only 11 or 12 at the time. I remember those things.
I want everyone to know that I know that the things that are "my life" are all part of The Plan. Sometimes I have confusion, and frustration, and sometimes even some anger about my role in "The Plan". Nobody is perfect. I will be the first to stand up and admit that before anyone else. I DO believe that God does give us more than we can handle. But just like Nephi was told that he would not be given more than he could bear EXCEPT he is provided a way to accomplish that which he was asked.
So to my family, my friends, and everyone I cross paths with that have eased my burdens and bettered MY way, YOU are the EXCEPTIONS that have provided the way for me to accomplish those things that the Lord has asked of me. Whether you realize it or not, you will continue to do these things, and for that I am SO very grateful. Thank You.
In the next few months I will be seeing doctors, and specialists to try to find ways to ease this pain that goes from my feet up through my head, or from my head down through my feet...either way, it's still pain. Thank you to everyone who keeps me in their prayers, and keeps me in the prayer rolls (is it rolls or roles I don't know) at the temple. I am going to keep doing what I do too. Cuz if they can't fix anything, I might as well use what I know to help somebody else. I Love You....All of ya!!!


"L"